In my “Allies vs. Adversaries: Female Rivalry + Psychological Safety” workshops I often hear this from the women participants,
“I won’t work for another woman. I don’t want to be on an all-female team. Ever again.”
😳 This is tragic.
Women represent half of the world’s population which makes it pretty difficult to completely avoid working with them. I’m not minimizing the behavior because I’ve experienced it first-hand and know how traumatic it is to be on the receiving end of the ‘Queen of Mean,’ especially, at work.
Mean girl behavior isn’t just a so-called-high-school-behavior. In fact most of the women I interviewed in my book, “Behind Frenemy Lines: Rising Above Female Rivalry To Be Unstoppable Together,” told me they didn’t experience mean girl behaviors in high school. Rather, the hurtful behavior began to occur in their professional career.
In a 2021 survey, the Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI) states that 30% of adults (76.4 million workers), are bullied at work.
61.3% of bullying is same gender
65% of women bullied are by females
Women bullies chose women targets 65% of the time
🥹 These are alarming statistics!
Dr. Gary Namie, co-founder of the WBI says,
“Women make much nastier office bullies than men.”
The term ‘mean girl’ belittles the seriousness of this behavior and dismisses the cold-hard-truth that when this behavior is on-going and escalates, it’s a form of BULLYING that’s more common than sexual harassment and racial discrimination. Unfortunately, workplace bullying has become normalized.
Work bullying behaviors can lead to:
Mental health issues
Low self-esteem
Anxiety
Depression
There are many reasons why women act out competitively against other women at work. A few key drivers are:
Insecurity
Jealousy
Feeling threatened
Unhappy with themselves
The desire for control
It’s a learned behavior
Traits to be aware of.
Sometimes it begins so subtly it’s hard to know if you’re on the receiving end of the ‘Queen of Mean’ at work. Here are some warning signs to look out for that often begin in the form of toxic gaslighting behaviors, that a vicious vixen may use:
Is nice to you when others are around but awful to you in private
Changes the story to make you look bad
Steals or takes credit for your work
Excludes you from meetings, emails, and social outings
Twist facts to make you feel like you are crazy
Spreads lies/ rumors about you
Stops your career path trajectory
Managing the mean.
It can be difficult too, to terminate a toxic relationship, manage the mean, speak up for yourself and call out this ugly behavior. It’s hard not to, but don’t take it personally. You can’t control her behavior but you can control how YOU react. There are a few immediate things you can do to ease the pain:
Ask for help
Walk away
Practice self-care
Find support from your tribe and always....
Document! Document! Document!
Scarcity Factor.
Girls are taught to be critical of each other from an early age, which can lead to a lack of support, toxicity, and catty, passive-aggressive behaviors that can escalate into negative at-work behaviors. Additionally, women have been competing for limited resources and clawing their way to the top, for, FOREVER. This scarcity mindset leads to some women viewing successful, accomplished women, as a threat versus an ally.
When we compete and compare, we can’t connect! Say this loud and clear and then, put it on repeat!
She. Is. Not. Your. Competition.
Instead, look in the mirror to see who your competition is.
It’s YOU my friend, only you.
Additionally, remember this as you look around to see how your female counterparts are treating each other,
Stay tuned for my next update out in two weeks for Part II of the ‘Queen of Mean,’ where I take a close look at how women can begin to change this harmful narrative.
♥️Today I will be fearless. Today I am grateful.
P.S. If you’re interested in learning more about psychological safety and how to deal with female frenemies, follow me on LinkedIn!
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